“It’s hard to hate someone whose story you know.” I randomly heard this quote a while ago- can’t remember where. This really resonated with me.

Life is full of surprises. Sometimes the person you think you can trust and you believe will be in your life forever will end up being the person who hurts you the most. This is the unfortunate reality.

I’ve had my fair share of issues with people. Anytime there’s a falling out with someone, it’s going to hurt. No matter whether you were in the right or not, it’s going to give you that empty, gut wrenching feeling you get when you lose someone. Even if they were needy, controlling, etc., it sucks

Sometimes it’s not a falling out with someone at all though. Sometimes it’s the realization that someone you looked up to isn’t the person you thought they were, or maybe you’re coming to terms with someone who abandoned you. Whatever the case may be, at some point in your life you’re going to face the truth of a situation when you’re close to somebody. It’s never easy, but I believe there are steps you can take in order to be able to accurately reflect and set yourself free from the burden of a shattered relationship.

1.Give yourself time to be angry.

  • It’s ok to be angry at that person. It’s natural. If you try to avoid it, you’re suppressing your emotions in a way that will come back to bite you in the ass. Emotions don’t just disappear if you ignore them- they squeeze their way through a new path and come out in ways that are often less than ideal. Allow yourself time to be angry at the situation or the person.

2. Give yourself time to be sad.

  • After you’ve released your frustrations over the situation, the reality will hit you. The relationship you had with this person has changed and it’s going to be extremely difficult for it to ever be the same again, if you choose to try and get it back. This is a depressing realization and you must allow yourself the opportunity to digest it.

3. Assess the relationship honestly.

  • Was this person good to you? Were you good to them? Was it a healthy relationship? These are a few questions you should ask yourself when looking back on the relationship. The ability to be honest with yourself is something I think is important in order to keep your brain under as less stress as possible. If you lie to yourself, you’ll set yourself down a path of self denial and that’s how people get fucked up.

4. Forgiveness.

  • Whether you’re forgiving that person or forgiving yourself, it’s important to have forgiveness. Having bad blood out in the world is an unnecessary burden to carry. As Alexander Pope said, “To err is human, to forgive, divine.” I think this dude had some good advice to offer.

None of these steps are easy. Emotions are a clever monster; they know just how to make your body trick your brain. It’s a fight between  feeling and logic- both valuable together, each destructive on their own. You have to find that balance.

In my experience, the best thing you can do to get through a relationship gone sour is to find understanding. If you understand why someone is the way they are, or why you are the way you are, it’s hard to carry animosity towards yourself or towards them. Everyone has their own story and is fighting their own battle. To understand this is to find true inner peace.

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